As Janice Breen Burns commented in her recent article in The Age:
"Anna Wintour once observed that some of us feel threatened by fashion. We feel self-conscious and judged and, in our deepest doubting selves, fear getting our fashion choices wrong, which - stringing that theory to its rim - could mean a "nope" to being liked or, God forbid, even loved."
I used to wear ridiculously high heels with pointed toes. I wore them to work, to social occasions, and as the keyboard player in a band, I'd dance and play all night. Fortunately, unlike many of my contemporaries, I haven't developed bunions. Are you still with me? There is a point to this sorry story... What on earth was I thinking? I'd insist that my feet didn't hurt while looking forward to socks and Ugg boots at home.
I stood out as being part of a group by blending into that group.
When I first started in a corporate consulting role last century (I love saying that) I remember one 42°C day in Melbourne (that’s hot to Fahrenheit readers) when to keep cool I wore (with heels) a beautiful Max Mara cream silk suit that I had recently bought in Italy. I had organised a client visit that day with my then boss also attending. At the allocated time, he walked into the shared office space, took one look at me and said loud enough for everyone to hear:
"You have two options: cancel the client appointment or go home and change. You'll wear black or navy blue or skip this client appointment entirely. I'm not going to be seen with you looking like that."
I didn’t look the part and stood out (to my boss) by not blending in.
Two things:
Something liberating has happened to my shoe collection. I don’t want to let my heeled shoes go to the opportunity shop or landfill. However, they have been on the top shelf, where I can't reach them without a ladder, for well over a decade. They still have a home, fuelled by happy memories, but they're simply there for show. And, come to think of it, when I did wear them, it was simply to show that I belonged.
The only time I wear a business suit now is with runners, usually glitter or metallic leather. I still have a lot of black suits (I live in Melbourne) but my suits now range in colour from red, to blue to sliver. Getting dressed is fun!
Fitting in and belonging
Fitting in is a risk management strategy. One of the most powerful of our survival mechanisms is to be part of a tribe in which there are distinct advantages to belonging. Being a part of a group is expressed in a variety of ways, not all of which are visible or conscious.
One of the ways we show we belong, or want to belong, is through our choice of appearance. What we wear makes it easier for people to recognise that we most likely share the same values. This is fashion: popular or the latest style of clothing, hair, decoration, or behaviour that shows the world the group in which we (want to) belong.
Similarly, in the workplace, we get stuck following rules that allow us to ‘belong’. As Seth Godin describes, these are often archaic as we get caught stuck in fear of what our boss will say, stuck because we’re afraid we’ll get into trouble. Culture expressed as ‘how we do things here’ is an example of this.
Style and Fashion through the lens of Adult Development Theory
Trying to understand complexity from any framework that is obtained by breaking things down into its parts is flawed. However, frameworks can be useful. An example of a framework that many people find useful is Adult Development Theory (ADT). ADT provides a perspective, or reflective lens, for looking at ourselves.
Taking the lens of ADT to the notions of style and fashion gives a perspective whereby style can be thought of as an expression of our own individuality where we dress independently of trying to ‘fit in. Alternatively, we can view fashion as being driven by either the need to be liked so that we can belong or by the need to be better than others so that we feel superior. In both cases, we are concerned with:
What will others say?
How will nonconformities from looking the part (sometimes because we can’t afford to look the part) change my standing in my core group/role (in which I am embedded)?
Am I doing this right?
Are others doing this right?
Who can tell me whether I am doing this right or not? How will I know?
When you have a perspective (for example, you dress similarly) which agrees with mine, you are one of “us”. Given that you look like me, it is likely that you’ll share my beliefs about other things that are important to “us.”
When you have a perspective that disagrees with mine, you are one of “them”, and I may need to be wary of you. You could be ‘against’ me. Perhaps you could become one of “us” in time if you changed your actions (indicated by the way you dress). There might be some ways we agree, and depending on how vital this issue is to me, I might be interested in finding common ground.
Compassion needed
"Most of us — about 75% of the general population — tend to seek external direction, are shaped by definitions and expectations of our environment, and try to adhere to identities we formed earlier."
- Yosh Beier, Forbes Coaches Council 2017
Fashion is only one example of how people try to fit in, belong or manage risk. However, not being fashionable could also be a way of fitting into the group of people who connect because they aren't fashionable. It's complex...
Resources
Download a copy of Jennifer Garvey Berger’s article for an introduction to Adult Development Theory.
Questions
Has wearing flat shoes become the new fashion, a way to fit in?
What are you doing to fit in (for good reasons) rather than being guided by your own values and identity?
What are the risks of not fitting in?
Schedule a free 30-minute exploratory discussion with Desley Lodwick here.
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