I used to wear ridiculously high heels with pointed toes. I wore them to work and to social occasions. As the keyboard player in a band, I'd dance and perform all night. Fortunately, unlike many of my contemporaries, I haven't developed bunions. Are you still with me? There is a point to this sorry story :)

What on earth was I thinking? I'd insist that my feet didn't hurt while I was looking forward to wearing socks and Ugg boots at home.

I stood out as part of a group by blending in with that group.

When I first started in a corporate consulting role last century (I love saying that), I remember one 42°C day in Melbourne (that’s hot to Fahrenheit readers) when to keep cool, I wore (with heels) a beautiful Max Mara cream silk suit that I had recently bought in Italy. I had organised a client visit that day with my then-boss also attending. At the allocated time, he walked into the shared office space, took one look at me and said loud enough for everyone to hear:

"You have two options: cancel the client appointment or go home and change. You'll wear black or navy blue, or skip this client appointment entirely. I'm not going to be seen with you looking like that."

I didn’t look the part and stood out (to my boss) by not blending in.

Two things:

Something liberating has happened to my shoe collection. I don’t want to let my heeled shoes go to the opportunity shop or landfill. However, they have been on the top shelf, where I can't reach them without a ladder, for well over a decade. They still have a home, fuelled by happy memories, but they're there for show. And, come to think of it, when I did wear them, it was merely to show that I belonged.

The only time I wear a business suit now is with runners, usually glitter or metallic leather. I still have a lot of black suits (I live in Melbourne), but they also range in colour from red to blue to silver. Getting dressed is fun!

Fitting in and belonging

Fitting in is a risk management strategy. One of the most powerful of our survival mechanisms is being part of a tribe, in which there are distinct advantages to belonging.

Being a part of a group is expressed in a variety of ways, not all of which are visible or conscious. One of the ways we demonstrate our belonging, or our desire to belong, is through our choice of appearance. What we wear makes it easier for people to recognise that we most likely share the same values. This is fashion: popular or the latest style of clothing, hair, decoration, or behaviour that shows the world the group in which we (want to) belong.

Similarly, in the workplace, we often find ourselves following rules that allow us to ‘belong’. As Seth Godin describes, these are frequently archaic, as we get caught up in the fear of what our boss will say, stuck because we’re afraid we’ll get into trouble. Culture expressed as ‘how we do things here’ is an example of this.

Useful Framework for making sense of ourselves

Trying to understand complexity from any framework that is obtained by breaking things down into their parts is flawed. However, frameworks can be useful. An example of a framework that many people find useful is Adult Development Theory (ADT).

Style and Fashion through the lens of ADT

Taking the lens of Adult Development Theory to the notions of style and fashion gives a perspective whereby style can be thought of as an expression of our own individuality where how we dress is an expression of our own identity, rather than trying to ‘fit in. Alternatively, we can view fashion as being driven by either the need to be liked so that we can belong, by the need to be better than others so that we feel superior or by making a conscious decision that it is too risky not to appear fashionable given our career and other factors. In each case we are concerned with:

• What will others say?

• How will nonconformities from looking the part (sometimes because we can’t afford to look the part) change my standing in my core group/role (in which I am embedded)?

• Am I doing this right?

• Are others doing this right?

• Who can tell me whether I am doing this right or not? How will I know?

When you have a perspective (for example, dress similarly) which agrees with mine, you are one of “us”. Given that you look like me, it is likely that you’ll share my belief about other things which are important to “us.”

When you have a perspective which disagrees with mine, you are one of “them” and I may need to be wary of you. You could be ‘against’ me. Perhaps you could become one of “us” in time if you changed your actions (the way you dress). There might be some ways we agree and depending on how vital this issue is to me I might be interested in finding common ground.

Compassion needed

Most of us — about 75% of the general population — tend to seek external direction, are shaped by definitions and expectations of our environment, and try to adhere to identities we formed earlier.

Yo- Yosh Beier, Forbes Coaches Council 2017

Fashion is only one example of how people try to fit in, belong or manage risk.